We received this rather sad letter from Santa Claus, apologizing for not being able to visit us this year. Not that he doesn’t want to, but he voiced his reasons and concerns honestly. Here is what the old bearded man said:
I am writing to you this year with an ache in my heart. I don’t know whether this ache comes out of sadness or that double scotch I drank earlier. But there is an ache nonetheless. As you know, each year I look forward to pay you a visit and share the warmth of the holiday.
Kindly find here under some of the few reasons that led me to boycott you this year. Forgive my Gmail tone, but it’s a force of habit from all the emails I have replied to lately.
Reason 1: My Prada bag is too precious.
With all the garbage bags surpassing the human population, I am anxious that my red bag of gifts may accidently be switched with a blue or black bag that carries cholera, malaria and McDonald’s leftovers. Although I do love the occasional Big Mac, but you get my idea.
Reason 2: Sohat, I am disappointed.
Not that I don’t wish the winner all the happiness in the world, but seriously guys! I have been taking care of my beard like a pet puppy over the past decades. And when the chance came to win the Movember challenge with Sohat, they said I was too old for it and that I should let the younger generation have fun. What’s up with that? What, so I don’t even get a like in return for the endless gifts I have bought you over the years?
Reason 3: Abou Joseph, it’s not your fault.
Why is this minister constantly trying to boycott restaurants?? I mean I was looking forward to try the worldwide sensation, Abou Joseph’s famous shawarma, but I got cold feet because of this issue. Well I am used to having cold feet but not in that sense…
Reason 4: False Advertising.
I’ve always heard people bragging about how one can go from the beach to the mountains, in less than 30min. Nice try Lebanon.
Reason 5: I have a birth certificate you know!
And who is this so-called “House of Creatives” FEER McQUEEN that wants to ruin everyone’s Christmas?
I will burn that Phoenix of theirs. I AM REAL!!!!
So here it is dear readers, what can we say? He might be overreacting to some extent don’t you think? That is of course, if he does exist in the first place.
Tony Raad Content Creator and Creative Writer